angus there was a cobra with the night sleeves who chewed cornucopia and thought heaven was white place with munches to grow around he would clap hands in the palace, lo!
only deft at posing for guru guru magazine police he went all out topless but became on fire with the conviction of a holy ghost or maybe it was Liberace or the Menudo brother video cluster he wore only the watch of gold he could smell his own excitement excrete from his libidinous place which was a white palace booby trapped all around to distance himself from other salespersons because if he did not close this deal and in fact the next 4 deals then the president of the Nair corporation would repossess his new Passat and make sweet love to his new cobra bride in it Lawrencius! o Lawrencius!
she would say that he could not have that he could not would not hear that he should not have gone over to the dark side but he had no choice because he fell asleep on the subway and woke up there so he got off and while he was walking around on the dark side he lost his cobra pants and a rat ate them and finally he was crying but no kleenex and he dehydrated and died no wait no he didnt he actually just got up and caught the subway going the other direction back to the white place again 15 minutes later and while he was on the subway car he named redemption he was reading the paper all about how he had transgresses his own guru guru photographers hogtied them to a bankroll of ugly karmic knots which were only untied by many vigorous massages of the lying down topless in many pools of squozen lemonade which can purify the inevitable rash on the soul which accompanies for the photographer of in the nude cobras even though they told him it was only topless they had sneaked cameras into the changing room and snapped a few of his wally shackleford which they would photoshop together later if/when the tabloids needed dirt which of course they did as soon as he got off the subway in the dark side they had had a goony landshark follow him and in fact slip him a wink-out in order to make sure he missed his stop and photographed his brief torturous dalliance in the smeared poop between the tread of the modern civilization's shoe which the less educated call home or the ghetto but Angus knew he was much too pretty to stay there but of course as soon as those tabloids came out he was obliged to take up permanent residence there right away whereupon he met a young ghetto citizen named Farewell Thomsabrightningslyle and obviously Farewell was short for Farewellellingsleeleishashayarlottelslanica but only her dead mother had called her that and she had died several years prior while attempting to make love to her salesman husband immediately after her simultaneous appendectomy/tonsillectomy/prostate flush operation or maybe it had been during this but either way, Farewell was now quite fond of salespersons and tried to have them all shot.
she had Angus shot.
but he did not die and never realized that it was his brand new love who had arranged the assassination attempt although the incident could hardly be called an assassination as Angus was far removed from politics and even further removed from the white place which served to house his former life and he had even gone so far as to develop complete amnesia which was not entirely intentional but as he had developed a powerful craving for the new chewing gum on the market Amnesia Chewing Gum which was then the only gum on the market known to cause amnesia which Angus knew but it had such a marvelous citrus flavor and one day his cobra bride Helvetica Monro-roglamborghinipples accidentally met him at the supermarket which she was in because she had just botoxed her face shut and could not see where she was going and Lawrencius was too busy banging broads in the Passat to assist his ill-gotten cobra mistress who was blind as can be and squeezing mangoes when she got caught in the lint trap of a rather gently used time machine which Angus had been sitting in making a child's kapow and vroom and ak-ak-ak-ak-ak machine gun noises to no one in particular but also passively hoping a salesperson would wander by so he could ask if it really was marked down as low as it said which of course it was he learned after a salesperson happened by and it was marked down so low because it had a faulty lint trap o hi lady how'd you get trapped in there well that is what i was talking about see people are always getting caught in the lint trap of this unit shut-up and let me speak with my husband you husband i am not your husband lady but man your botox sure looks great hey is that guy in the Passat honking for you his sister sure is affectionate Lawrencius how could you hey Farewell what are you doing with the time machine salesman hey lady my name is Helvetica and i am so your wife you retard oh ok whatever well it looks like my old lady has ditched me for that crumby but ruggedly handsome time machine salesman over there but i bought this time machine so do you want to go back in time with me and become our own ancestors?
god i was hoping i'd be a satisfied old woman before anyone asked me that again but since you just did i'd have to say that it is the most wonderful thing i have ever been asked so let's get back there and impregnate our forefathers!
Angus and Helvetica took the time machine out of the store and set all the controls up and just as Angus went to throw the switch he got the worst cramp in his thumb that any cobra ever has gotten in their thumb and Helvetica totally over-reacted and euthanized him over and over again with the heel of one of her snake skin stiletto heels all about the head neck and shoulders and also a bit in the chest ass and genitals just to be sure he was properly euthanized but he did not die because he was in a time machine, oh wait no he did die and she did too somehow, like immediately thereafter and then Lawrencius and Farewell made eye contact from across the room whilst they were giving it to different people, um, the time machine salesperson and the broad from the Passat and the instantaneous-ness of the in love they felt was so great that they each threw up on their lovers and ran boldly toward one another in slow-motion like a movie and when they finally embrace half an hour later their genitals intertwined but their bodies also exploded and killed everyone within a twenty mile radius.
the end
ps - oh, but this also brought Angus and Helvetica back to life for some reason and they were in the time machine ready to go back in time and avert the whole ugly turn of events but decided to do something else instead, i forget what or they didnt tell me, we're really not that close anymore, i just happen to remember all of this because i just got off the phone with Angus's brother Nibs who didnt die in the aforementioned explosion because he had been away on business that day selling baby dolls that poop edible chocolate pudding at a convention in Sioux Falls or at least he was supposed to have been there at the convention but instead he had shacked up with a local courier-boy from the community college named Butrence Winschlomos-Yekshewel who was an avid bowler having achieved a high game of 227 which i was there to witness but i only got a 97, but that is still my personal record, i dunno, there was something in the air that night, our bowling was blessed i guess cause Nibs bowled a 222!
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