maybe i have part of your riddle

i think that what you want to do is diamettically opposed to what you want to get.
i dont know why that is, but from my point of observation, the things you want to do are, well, childish. and the things you want to get are very mature.
which is not to say that childishness and maturity are diametrically opposed, but maybe they are...

it is more like:
well, let's say that you want higher truth, from god aliens love science what have you; but you go about it in the lowest way, like crudeness, indiscipline, or rather, i would say you are selectively disciplined. you certainly buckle down when you feel like it, but only in ways and on topics that appeal to you, which is rather normal, but, if what you are studying isnt normal, then your approach is all wrong. see what i mean?
this isnt college, you cant cram for the exam. the exam is right now and the next right now and every right now you will ever experience. you cannot be ahead of the class because you are the class and you are the professor. you cannot look ahead to the next exam because you havent written it yet.
i wont belabor this to the point of hippyishness...

so, the higher way to study high subjects, do everything in THEIR time.*

in other words, you do what you NEED to do to get what you want

or else

you do what you WANT to do and get what you need

but i must say, Nina at 3 almost 4 is at the stage of doing what she wants to do and getting what she needs and she is really lucky that i am not a spanker.
you might have a violent god, so i think you want to stay under the radar, right?

what you want/what you want to get is WORK
no one wants a job. well, no one that i want to know anyway. jobs suck! literally, they suck us dry and leave only the crusty MTV VH1 CBS sit-com for boring adults bullshit
our whole society is a system to fill sucked people back up with something filling.
we are a nation of eclairs!
we are a people of absolutely no nutritional value whatsoever!
and it is because we have jobs, to make MONEY to buy BULLSHIT because we NEED to

no

what we need is work
Joe has work to do, i have work to do, Kylie has work to do, Curt and Anita have work to do
i dont want to know anyone who doesnt want to do their work.

to not want to do one's work is like renouncing one's humanity.
i dont want to be around when those people get what they need!

i cant say that work is fun, because it isnt play, it is work

music
i rarely play music
well, not true, i play music lately because i am not in position to work on anything
but i prefer to work on music
and typically i have worked alone and played with others but i'd much rather play alone and work on music with others, but it is hard to find other people, specifically musicians who want to do their work.
this is a complete shit-town for finding people doing their work.
people think this city is a free pass town.
not true, there are humans here, so there is work to do.
forget that, there is MATTER here, so there is work.

how can anyone not want to work? your work is YOU! all you have to do is be the real YOU that IS your work!
that is all we ever have to do in our entire lives. just be who we are 100% of the time.

that this isnt totally obvious is utterly mind-blowing to me!

that we dont operate this way because it is too hard?
really?!?!?!?!
so what we have is better?
what we have makes me suicidal. this is an abomination.

i think there's something about me, i see people at work. i approach them as if they are at work, i talk about things that we would talk about if we were at work. but it is some kind of trick of light, and then i get the real glimpse, that people's faces are screwed up, like what is this guy talking about? like, i was talking to a them they do not know or have rejected altogether.
i cannot deal with the dissonance between the people i see and the people who are around.
does that make sense?
when i was a substitute teacher, i could feel people changing, dying in their own still living skin... kids, 10 years old and dead already... and of course it was horrid!
some days were worse than others, sometimes i would come home and sleep the rest of the day.
i am not trying to say i am at all special, i dont see myself doing anything great in this vision world.
in fact, because i am in this horrid world, maybe my work merely consists of enduring this dissonance

having played music, i know that i need not even wait or hope that the dissonance will resolve to a major chord, it could just fade out
i have been listening to much Scott Walker, haha

art:
art is not an end, nor is it an act. well, ok it is sometimes like the paperwork.
we do the work and then we have to document it somewhere and file it away.
other times, our art is practice, a simulation of a moment we will have to do perfectly later. i think most of what i do is like that.
i feel like fatherhood up to this point has been the real moment i practiced for when i was playing music.

*the higher way to study high subjects, do everything in THEIR time.*
truth is the structure in which we do our work. how you might go to a specific building in a specific room at a specific desk and do your work. truth is your work area.
you sell your time. your time is worthless to you. rather, rest is important, work is important and play is important.
so, maybe work and play is spending time and rest is saving time.

but your time is worthless outside of the context of work. rest and play is non-work, thus they are in the work family. work is not non-play or non-rest. play and rest are non-work and it flows in that direction.

the way your time is spent by the organization, that is the owner/operator of the structure we are calling truth/ your work area, is not your concern. which is not to say that you needn't or oughtn't concern yourself, in fact, if you do, that is how you get a promotion, just like the job world. but just like the job world, you are an observer, you do not make policy. you advance through observation, not through force of will.
i think that in this analogous realm, excessive force of will gets you decapitated. your ego stinks like a skinned skunk.

observe, understand, be ready to account for yourself, be ready to instill confidence in those to whom you must answer, be ready to relieve them of some aspect of their responsibility, be ready to shoulder a heavier workload, and most importantly, continue doing what got you the promotion in the first place.
of course, seeking a promotion is not necessary, if one does not feel the call.

doing the work is necessary, doing more work is not necessary, until it is. then, not doing more work is not doing the work at all...