nothing really

i think i need to spend more daytime by myself. i think, maybe i dont know how to be around people...
i'm working on a 7 or 8 hour mp3CD to put in my first release on Slobberkiss Intl records. a 12"vinyl called Yoga with Scissors.the mp3CD is all the stuff i worked on in my room when i had no friends, or maybe i should say, when i wasnt seeing much of my friends.going back through this stuff, i feel so prolific!
i dont know how to feel about how much i like being alone working on stuff. i really really like it! maybe i can reevaluate how i feel with people around, but not turn into a monster. i like being alone in a crowd, like friday when i went to parliament funkadelic by myself, but that kind of feeling doesnt work with my daughter. but she is so real. i love just sitting next to her. she doesnt have the adult filters yet. maybe they are called motives.
i dunno, this isnt what i wanted to write about, this isnt really coming together.
i remember one thing i wanted to write about, but i think i'll chicken out. i was going to write about people who dont know what they want, but i wont get any more specific than that.
maybe what is wrong with me is that i always know what i want but i dont ask for it, or i dont ask the right people or i ask the right people but they cant hear or understand me.maybe this is what i need to learn from nina. when she is happy or unhappy, i know it. is it possible to be an adult with a clear head? does sobriety exist?
maybe what is confusing is when someone knows what they want and someone else doesnt know themselves. or when someone wants something from someone else... duh.
i'm bored with potential. but patience is important too. i think i am more of a kinetic person. maybe it is my introversion which makes me kinetic. my horoscope shape says i only achieve my goals with cooperation of others. seems like i have been set up by the stars to have to learn something! oh dastardly thingies!
ok, i'll unchicken out. i only live once, yeah?
boy this place plays shitty 80s music!
uh, what i was going to write was that, as a 29 year old, i detest the terms boyfriend/girlfriend. it seems so casual. this is tied again to my introversion, but i struggle to be casual with people, unless i decide to feel that way ahead of time.when i am attracted to a person, and i dont just mean a pretty girl, i might mean a favorite author or a movie character, i go way overboard. i guess my imagination could use some discipline.i know i could use discipline in lots of areas and maybe that is why i didnt just indulge my hermit when i was 25, when i really wanted to. maybe it was why i mysteriously didnt get that job at u of l when i was 24. maybe i would have disappeared into my self. that is no way to be a human.
but casual and safe doesnt work for me either.
i remember what i wanted to write about. i think i am the most creative person i know. i'm not sure, but i think it might be true. maybe dane is more creative than me. i dont mean to sound vain, i dont mean that i am the most talented person alive, i just mean that i place creativity higher on my list of priorities than anyone i know. i put art-making above comfort and security. i put nina at the same level as creativity, because in my mind, if i cannot tell her how i feel, i can only tell her how i want her to feel about me. which would be total bullshit! plus, if i am balancing my self and my fatherly self, i can grow with her. i hope i can keep up. i hope i can see her as a human when she is a teenager and forgetting how, or something like that.
i refuse to be 30 and have a 'girlfriend', i think i am only going to get more intense. the path towards self-love gets narrow, too narrow for casual people and motives.
when i was 25 i knew self-love and had myself as a witness. now when i find it again, i will have nina as a witness, plus whoever wants to be there with me.that is kind of like growth or i dont know what exactly. analogous to this life, leaving home to go to work, coming back home. leaving again the next day, getting paid, coming home. this is just work, life is work and play is timeless.

kiss yourself